Beauty in Stillness

A week ago, my wife and I embarked on a camping holiday. I say embarked because we had not really been camping properly for a few years. We thought it would be fun to have a simple holiday, enjoying nature, quietness and little distraction. We arrived at our campsite which was an idyllic little site on a working farm, that looked out over the fields with picturesque placed bales of hay and a view that followed on to the historic Holy Island.

We somewhat enjoyed the trip, mostly for thinking time, and stillness. A favourite Poem of mine is a Henry-Davies poem, Leisure:

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare? —

No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

My wife and I had been rather busy the months previous and didn’t have much time to stop and watch beauty dance. We went on small drives to visit different attractions, and locations, we sat around the fire as the sun set behind us, we lay in the natural dark and talked about life and learning. It was rather a pleasant four days. On one of the days we went to visit the nearby Lindisfarne Island. While walking around the island and taking in the natural beauty therein, we took a scenic walke to the Mead shop. On our way we were distracted by some colourful tapestries. They were part of a project by a lady who had pilgrimaged on St Cuthbert’s way. She used the loom to create a weaving that helped describe her experiences. We had a chance to be part of her next weave.

She explained that she learned about the art of Saori Weaving, she told us the story behind it, making it more appealing to us. Well what appealed to me was the story and the meaning of the work, also the actual weaving (quite therapeutic). I think for my wife it was more to do with the actual weaving. When I returned home I did a bit more researching, so I am going to share a little of the story and give some insights and thoughts on the way. Apologies now if this is just mindless babbling, hopefully it will help someone.

Misao Jo a 57 years old lady, built a loom, and started weaving as a hobby (as you do). One day, while weaving an Obi (a belt for Japanese Kimono) she found an error in her weave and noticed it was making a nice pattern. She showed the “Obi” to a person running a weaving factory in her neighbourhood wanting to know how other people would value her weaving. She was told it was worthless, due to its imperfections, which makes sense.

She began to weave an “Obi” with many “flaws”. It was easy, just like in life it is easier to have flaws that to be perfect all the time. In doing so, she found she could make interesting effects. She finally finished an “Obi”, and it was highly praised by an owner of an “Obi” shop in "Shinsaibashi Street" (an expensive shopping street in Osaka, Japan).

Misao thought the aesthetic quality that made the “Obi” valuable must have derived from something hidden inside herself. She realised that by stepping outside of the norm and being true to herself that she created something unique and meaningful. Misao named her weaving method “SAORI” and started her career as a weaving teacher, due to demand to learn.

The brown bit me, the blue bit Jayne

Saori weaving is a unique form of weaving where you learn basic technique and then you stay true to yourself and let your creativity flow, one of the sayings of Saori weaving is be bold and adventurous. I thought this was quite an interesting saying considering it comes from what I consider to be a refined ritualistic culture, (I’m probably wrong). Each of the pieces of work created from a Saori Loom is to a degree different. It is finding the beauty with lack of intention, staying true to oneself.

I found a connection with the idea of looking at the flow of imperfection that naturally appeared once I sat behind the loom. I weaved my part and added other threads to make my part in the loom the lady was creating. We live in an age where we are often trying to strive for perfection, when in fact all around us there are natural imperfections, there is no uniform pattern for nature.  In Henry-Davies’ poem, he says how poor we are to have no time to stand and stare, to watch nature in all her beauty and fluidity. Jayne and I had been so busy that we had not made time to stop and stare. We sat during our holiday and discussed how we had lost a certain connection to the natural and spiritual world, we had kind of lost self.

Throughout the trip, we found other reminders to stop and enjoy the world that God had given us, to enjoy each other’s company, and to feel free to be us. We felt a weight lift from our shoulders for just that short time. We then made an agreement that we would make sure to find the time to stop and stare, every so often. It helps us to connect to God and connect with each other. It helps us to breath and recharge.

Just as Misao had found the beauty in her imperfect work, and found enjoyment in the freedom to create, so to have I found a desire to just be me, to enjoy my imperfections, to be thankful for all the silliness and wildness of life. Just as the Japanese find beauty in imperfection and sometimes intentionally add imperfection. I am going to find my imperfections and let them be. God loves us in all our imperfections. It can be so tiring trying to be perfect, trying to meet the standards that society gives. It can pull you away from being content with life. I had kind of just been flowing along, working, eating (too much), sleeping (very little) and trying to get my body into some sort of shape that was respectable to society. I had lost my paddles as it were.

In the Psalms we are reminded to be still and know that God is God. The lady who taught us how to weave, said that she found it helped her to connect with God, to stop mentally and be aware of God. It made Jayne and I think about how we connected with God. How did we stop mentally and let God. For Jayne it was through dance, and movement, through senses and things such as going for a walk on the beach. She said she found that doing the weaving helped her, as I found it did. I find it is through my writing and through my passion for taste, understanding flavours and their combinations. I have been on a journey trying to understand the weirdness that is my body, in my journey I have tried several classes at the gym that help me to connect with how my muscles move.

One of those classes is the martial art of Tai chi, shock horror to some of my readers, in which we move our bodies in a kind of natural movement, hands leading feet and a kind of mental slowing down. Brian our instructor informed us how the art form came about through the study of nature and natures movement. In Tai Chi, the movement and breathing allow your mind to slow down and focus on the stillness. I know for some there is a spiritual connection, but for Jayne and me, we found it to be de-stressing, and a chance to switch off from what was going on outside the studio.

Guinea pig Tai Chi

So, after my journey down the probably babbling, nonsensical rabbit hole, I get to my point. We so often struggle to find a stillness, a quietude. The Bible encourages us often to slow down and let God. It is common throughout many cultures that being still is a good thing, an important thing. However, you find it, in whatever form stillness or as it is now called mindfulness is a great thing, and if you create something in the process even better.

If only I had £1000 to buy a loom, so I can now start weaving.

If this was helpful, or if you have any questions please feel free to comment below.

Moving On...

I haven’t written much on what is happening in my weight loss journey. I have been rather busy with life and things. I have decided as of today to quit Slimming World, it is something I have been thinking about for a few weeks now. I am thankful for the support that Slimming World gave me to get to where I am, but I feel it has given all it can. I met some wonderful people and am thankful for the friendships that developed. I am still on my path to losing weight, I am going to do it with the knowledge that I have gained and with the support of my personal trainer and friends who know what they are talking about.

As with most journeys, it is not a nice straight path, like those great Roman roads. Instead, it has been full of ups and downs, and many a bump and pothole. So now I will give a better journey update and will give you as best as I can the knowledge I gained and the things I found most difficult hoping that this will help those who are reading it.

One of the things I have struggled with is stress eating, it was something and is something that I struggle with more than I care to tell people. It is usually sweet sugary badness that I go to. I was talking to my really good friend about my stress, and he informed me about this thing called Ashwagandha. It is an herbal root extract that is used to help the immune system. It inhibits high levels of cortisol (the stress hormone), it offers a gentle way to promote relaxation and improve sleep. (another thing I struggle with is having healthy sleep patterns). I am going to try this out and see what if anything it does.

I am going to write an article on stress soon, it is just taking a long time to write it.

Anyway, I’m off the bed, but here is a quick update for you.

Powerful Yet Unable to Roar

It has been over a week since my last post, in that time I celebrated not only Easter but my birthday. It was a lovely time spent with family, I really love being home sucking up all quality family time to store up until next time. I'm so thankful for my family, in fact the older I get the more I appreciate them. 

'birthday brulee'

While over there, Jayne and I helped clear up some of my Granda's farm, I also got a chance to go through his book collection and collected some gold while sorting. I found some photo albums and enjoyed going through looking back at the old days. There were even pictures of my great grandfather and great great grandfather. There was even a book documenting the extended family and my ancestors. It was just such a blessing to have all of that information about my family and the pictures that went with it. It made me respect all my family had done. 

'ancestors'

'great great granda'

Anyway, while I was away, I kind of took advantage of the generous, rich, tasteful, delicious food that my great country is proud of. I put my desire to keep the weight off, to the side, and enjoyed the fun and celebrations. We returned to our home full and happy, landing in bed at 3am. 

The next day I was exhausted and my stupid busy brain woke me at 7am, I had a list of things to do. I had decided to join my wife to go to our body balance class that night, even though I wasn't feeling up for it. (That's where I learned I was not a good mermaid , but was in fact a walrus). My body didn't appreciate the push, but I did it. The next few days at work I fought my exhaustion, a very well trained fight when one has insomnia on and off over 7 years. 

'how I felt this week'

I sat in the park, tired and praying for strength and focus today, hoping some would come when the shuffle on my phone played the song Run Wild by King and Country. In one of the verses it reads: 

You’re a lion full of power who forgot how to roar

You’re an eagle full of beauty but you can’t seem to soar

Will you return to the garden where we were first made whole

Will you turn to the one who can liberate your soul

I had heard this song so many times, but this verse stuck in my head. At that time I wasn't thinking of myself as a lion or eagle, but I didn't have a roar in me, I didn't have a feeling of being able to soar. Then I thought to myself, I have not actually spent time in the Word, I had not quietened my thoughts to listen to God. In fact most of the week I had not done that. I had tried and was failing in going about in my own strength. 

'roarless lion'

When I was thinking about it, I was reminded what one of my friends said about my analogy of the twisted tree. He reminded me of the importance of the strong foundation and strong root system of the tree. He reminded me of the importance of having my life rooted in God who is a strong foundation. I realised I had not been paying much attention to my foundation. I realised that when I do ground myself in the Word and in God, that's when I have had a good weight loss journey and self control. I have good gym enjoyment and have focus and perseverance. 

During the week, some of my buddies from my Slimming World group started a chat on messenger each of us sharing our struggles, each of us struggling with our journey, we laughed about it as a form of support. It did help to know I wasn't alone. I'm thankful for those who sit with me in the 'naughty corner'. 

Now I'm sure if you have made it this far, you are thinking that this is common sense, and I've just wasted your time. But this is a blog of my journey, and if it helps anyone I am glad. But it's mostly just to share how I'm getting on. 

So what did I learn?

> My own strength is not enough

>God is always giving reminders even through Amazon music.

> I shouldn't put my journey on hold to have fun as I struggle to get back on. 

> Family and friends are very important

What next: 

1. Get back on track

2. Spend more time mindfully listening to God

3. Plan my food, (Dan Churchill has been very helpful)

4. Be more aware of the important things.

If this helps then great, but mostly if I just babbled then sorry. I know my grammar isn't great and spelling probably not great either. Well there it is. Enjoy and feel free to comment. 

Present and Selfful

So this past week, I posted a very short story of what I am going to do. I am going to share a journey I am about to take, which will look at mindfulness, Selffulness and how these will impact on my walk as I focus on losing weight and getting more self-control. I want to share it, with the hope that it might impact others, or that it will start a conversation about mindfulness in this very fast-paced generation of here and now. 

I have been thinking about mindfulness for a little while now, I am not really a person who meditates or who has long pauses. Normally I am just trying to get by on the energy I have. I have my long list of things I need to get done and try and fit them in around work, like most people. Let me tell you a little about where I have come from in the past few years. In 2015 I got married to the most amazing woman, and we settled our roots down in York, England. At that time I weighed in around 22st 10lb (318lb or 144kg)

 happy and round

I would eat when I was bored, I would eat when I needed a boost or needed comfort, I would eat when I was tired. Basically, my life revolved around food, and it wasn't the good kind of food. It was snacks, chocolate, Biscuits, cake, etc. It wasn't that I didn't like healthy food, I will eat anything, it was just that snack foods were a little more appealing. I tried somewhat to lose some weight, going to the gym, eating some healthier choices, but the snacks were like little sirens calling to me. With some struggling and tiredness, I fought on, losing a stone, until I hit a plateau. I tried and tried and couldn't shift any weight.

We moved out of the city, in an attempt to find a house we could afford, and found a lovely little house in the middle of a quaint conservative English village. This meant moving jobs and getting used to not having a shop around the corner that was always open, it meant getting used to the extreme quiet. (I'll explain extreme quiet later) When going for a wander around the village we came across a notice board that had on it things going on in the village. On this notice board was a sign for the local Slimming World group. I jokingly said to Jayne, "ha, maybe I should join help me shed some more weight." She then replied with perhaps I could. I always thought of Slimming World as a group that mostly had women in it, and never thought I would join something like that. Little did I know I would be joining up with Slimming World. Anyway, up until Christmas, I was doing ok, but those naughty little sirens still called and my weight loss journey was more like traveling on those roads in Norway that look terrifying to drive on as they rise, fall, twist and turn with the Islands they connect. Or as I have already described it, it is like the tree in the picture below.

"treemendously tangled beauty"

I cycle to work five miles each way and started to go to the local leisure centre gym. It gave some structure to my days and gave me a chance to exercise. I was kinda following the Slimming World plan and was getting some results. A year later and I lost 2st, gained a bit more and then lost again. Anyway, my motivation has been dwindling, and I have been really struggling to keep on track, my motivation even to cycle was disrupted by the lovely spring snow we had. Jayne has been a great encourager and has helped me keep on track with some bits she can. On Valentine's day, we decided to go to a body balance class, where I learned how not in touch with how my body moves I was. I struggled to bend and flex as far as they would have liked me to. It made me aware of how, a lot of the time I am not fully present in daily situations, and how I don't listen to my body,(except when my belly brain says feed me). In the class, we do some meditation at the end, which helps us to let the muscles just be. It helps us to settle after stretching our body like someone playing with blu-tack On the journey home, we discussed what mindfulness and meditation were all about, and how it looked for us Christians. This is one of the things my blog will explore. 

 "sunrise on new beginnings"

Christmas 2017 

A few weeks later, I was having a very low week, feeling quite down and feeling very detached from myself. I went to see a counselor who told me that I was not being very selfful. I told her I thought that it was more to do with not wanting to be selfish, but she said it was a good thing to be selfful.Selfful is being aware of yourself so that you can be you. So often I forget about how I am or who I am and focus on others,(which isn't a bad thing) but in neglecting myself I had lost a bit of who I was/am. So I am going to do some exploring of selffulness. 

Anyway, in four days time, it will be my 32nd birthday and I want to finally, if not a bit late in the game, rediscover who I am, and how I am, and where I feel I am while reconnecting fully with my walk with God, and gaining some self-control. I want to learn how to get the most out of mindfulness and take you all on a journey as I go. Blab over. 

Where is Your Heart?

This past few months I had been considering what the next few months would entail. I had many thoughts running around in my head. These thoughts even blocked access to the box of nothing. That place where every man can go and not have to think about anything. (Men reading this don’t deny this truth, you know we have that box in our heads) I had thoughts about where I am going to live, what the week ahead is going to look like, whether I got that job or not. I had thoughts about my devotional I had read that day. I had thoughts about what to eat that night. And money thoughts, the list could go on, in fact in my head it did.

I was really struggling to put these thoughts into any sort of order and it was driving me mad. So I prayed that God would give me some peace in my head. He did but when He did He also put this thought into my head.

“Where is your heart?”

“What?” I said

“Where is your heart?”

Where is my heart? Hmm, that is a good question? My heart is…..

My heart is all about my fiancé Jayne, my heart is all about…

Huh! I haven’t really thought about it. I had just assumed I knew where my heart was. I thought I knew what the control of my heart was. I thought it was God, well I knew that I wanted God to be the master of my heart. But then it dawned on me that I had other things that often got in the way of my desire to have God in my heart. It was the sinful nature of my heart that has crowded my heart with many meisms. I was focusing on me and what was best for me, how these things affected me. My treasure was in the world, my treasure was in the things that moth and rust eat away at and that thieves come and steal as Jesus puts it in Matthew 6. I thought I had my mind set on things of the eternal nature. I thought I was looking to “thy Kingdom come”, but I guess I had fooled myself.

In Ecclesiastes 3, Solomon tells us that we are hardwired for Eternity,

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11 ESV)

Solomon had everything; wealth, women and more than enough stuff. He also had wisdom, and this wisdom meant that he realised that everything he had strived for was meaningless. He realised that eternity was were his focus should have been. He realised that even trying to have figure out what God was doing, or had done was silly. He realised his heart was not in the right place. He reaised the need for God’s grace.

Yes, we have sinful hearts and are surrounded by the many meistic things which make it easy for us to slip into the meistic mind-set. The good news is, that God’s grace is sufficient, it is by grace we have been saved. It is by grace that we are humbled to and reminded about the true hardwiring we have been designed to look to. Paul Tripp a pastor and author wrote this about grace and I still reread it every-so-often to make me think and be thankful about. So let me share it with you:

“So grace is a story and grace is a gift. It is God's character and it is your only hope. Grace is a transforming tool and a state of relationship. Grace is a beautiful theology and a wonderful invitation. Grace is a life-long experience and a life-changing calling. Grace will turn your life upside down while giving you a rest you have never known. Grace will require you to face your unworthiness without ever making you feel unloved.

Grace will make you finally acknowledge that you cannot earn God's favour, and it will once and for all remove your fear of not measuring up to his standards. Grace will humble you with the fact that you are much less than you thought you were, even as it assures you that you can be far more than you had ever imagined. You can be sure that grace will put you in your place without ever putting you down.

Grace will enable you to face shocking truths about yourself that you have hesitated to consider, while freeing you from being self-consciously introspective. Grace will confront you with profound weaknesses, and at the same time bless you with new-found strength. Grace will tell you again and again what you aren't, while welcoming you again and again to what you can now be. Grace will make you as uncomfortable as you have ever been, while offering you a more lasting comfort than you have never before known .

Grace will work to drive you to the end of yourself, while it invites you to fresh starts and new beginnings. Grace will dash your ill-founded hopes, but never walk away and leave you hopeless. Grace will decimate your little kingdom of one as it introduces you to a much, much better King. Grace will expose to you the extent of your blindness as it gives you eyes to see what you so desperately need to see. Grace will make you sadder than you have ever been, while it gives you greater cause for celebration than you have ever known.

Grace enters your life in a moment and will occupy you for eternity. You simply cannot live a productive life in this broken-down world unless you have a practical grasp of the grace you have been given.”( http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/grace-right-here-right-now)

So let us remember that we are hardwired to look to the things eternal, and through this gift of grace we can be guided back to looking to eternity when the world blinds us and misdirects us. Thanks be to God for his sufficient grace. 

Don't Worry, In God Be Happy...

This week, I was watching my weekly TED talks, I watched a talk called The Surprise Science of Happiness, as I watched this I thought about all the different things that make people happy. In the Talk Dan Gilbert, a psychologist from Harvard who has researched this topic for a while, said that we had a chance to “control” happiness, as our brain evolved and we received the frontal lobe we gained the capacity to simulate ideas and concepts based on previous background. He said however that these simulations are not always correct. He said that due to something called “impact bias” we tend to overestimate the impact or duration of future events.

 He gave the example, he offered two people a lottery winner and a paraplegic and asked who we thought was happier. He then surprised us by saying that both categories were equally satisfied with their lives. He said that those who look to their loss as a new chance of happiness have synthesised their happiness. He concluded that the human’s capacity to adapt generates happiness because it helps one be content with what he/she has.

This made me think about my own happiness. I know naturally I am not really a happy person, I tend to look at the negative aspects of the environment around me. I am a dreamer, but when it comes to real life around me I see the many aspects from the happy things to the tristesse. However I only ever focus on the negative things.  I thought about when things don't go to plan how I react to them. I realised how much I look at the loss or the damage instead of seeing the chance to have happiness.

The Bible talks about joy and happiness a lot, it tells us that this joy and happiness is a gift from God: Solomon said,

“I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man.” Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

Solomon was a wise man, he was given wisdom from the Lord, he said that everything was meaningless yet he discovered that there was nothing better for us than to be joyful and to do good as long as we live, as it is a gift from God. He also said, “In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other, so that man may not find out anything that will be after him.” So we have been given joy or the feeling of happiness as a gift from God. In this gift we have been given the choice to be joyful, this is why the scripture tells us to rejoice. The bible tells us that when we look to scripture and to God we will find this joy.

So why is it that I find it difficult to always be happy, I guess, it is because I am a very forgetful person and I keep forgetting that, as Paul said in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 it is by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain… though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. God is working in me and I need to remember that but on top of that I need to remember to be grateful for what God has done and continues to do.

 Funnily enough this is what psychologists will help make me a happier person; being grateful. Paul knew this all too well as did the psalmist as they many times over remind us to give thanks. Let me end on this note, on this verse from 2 Corinthians 9:15.

I don’t know if any of this made sense as I was kind of spilling my thoughts onto a page.

Let is consider this and remember this:

THANKS BE TO GOD FOR HIS INEXPRESSIBLE GIFT!

AMEN!

I Need Thee, Lord I Need Thee!

In recent weeks I have been learning to trust in the Lord for the where, how and what for of my life, I have been praying for weeks as to some insight into what reasons the Lord has timed and arranged certain things. I started doing a great deal of study into what it means to be under the banner of Christ. What it means to carry my cross and follow him, and how that looks on a daily basis. It was while doing this study that I pulled out my great aunts journal from the early 1920’s. This great aunt of mine was a very godly woman who was always in the word. It was then that I fell upon the page of her notes from Spurgeons last sermon in the Tabernacle in London, although I had read these words before, I read them again with a sense of eye opening awe, of who Christ is and of the magnitude of how awesome it is that I get to, no, have the privileged to, wear the livery of Christ. I know that anyone who reads these words will see it too.

“If you wear the livery of Christ, you will find him so meek and lowly of heart that you will find rest unto your souls. He is the most magnanimous of captains. There never was his like the choicest of princes. He is always to be found in the thickest part of the battle. When the wind blows cold he always takes the bleak side of the hill. The heaviest end of the cross lies ever on his shoulders. If he bids us carry a burden, he carries it also. If there is anything that is gracious, generous, kind, and tender, yea lavish and superabundant in love, you always find it in him. His service is life, peace, and joy. Oh, that you would enter on it at once! God help you to enlist under the banner of JESUS CHRIST!” Spurgeon

It was from these words that I started out of nowhere singing an old hymn written by Mrs Annie Hawks in 1872. She too had been filled with the sense of nearness to the Master. She said that while thinking this she wondered how one could live without Him, either in joy or pain. These words, “I Need Thee Every Hour,” were ushered into her mind, and she wrote that “the thought at once took full possession of her” it was not until her husband died that she really appreciated the words the Lord permitted her to write. The lines yet simple are so true and so powerfully beautiful. Here they are:

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;

No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;

Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;

Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;

And Thy rich promises in me fulfil.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;

O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessèd Son.

All of these words are so beautiful, but the refrain is so beautiful and it is my prayer;

I need Thee, O I need Thee;

Every hour I need Thee;

O bless me now, my Saviour,

I come to Thee.

As I closed the journal, a piece of paper fell out on it were the words of a simple poem about prayer. Here is the poem, it is by anon, but I really like it and it links in nicely with the topic above. It is about the nearness that bot I and Mrs Hawk felt.

Prayer is so simple,

It is like quietly opening a door

And slipping into the very presence of God.

There in the stillness

To listen for is voice

Perhaps to petition,

Or only to listen;

It matters not;

Just to be there

In his presence

Is prayer!  - anon